The 5 ways Londoners are going to greet people when this is all over
1. Enthusiastic running towards person, at speed
Who: No one. This will not happen. After months of pretending to enjoy jogging, Londoners will revert to their previous state of moving quickly only to catch a) public transport or b) last orders at the bar.
2. From a distance, waving awkwardly, mouthing 'oop! 2 metres!', claiming to still be on the government's vulnerable list
Who: Work colleagues; complete strangers asking to share your table at the pub; complete strangers walking towards the spare seat next to you on the bus; small children with visibly runny noses; person you've been chatting to on Hinge for several months who isn't nearly as good looking in real life; offensively drunk 20 year olds outside Shoreditch Tesco; long haired chalky-hands guy with the ying-yang tattoo from your newly regrouped yoga class who finds mats, pants and t-shirts "restrictive" so is wearing only his cycling shorts, who got there early to stretch and is asking everyone who walks in if they want a "post-lockdown hug".
3. Collapsing with joy on first sight, crying and shouting from slumped position on the floor, exclaiming through tears, 'GOD I'VE MISSED YOU, I'VE MISSED THIS, YOU ARE SO GREAT, THIS IS BEAUTIFUL, OH MY GOD SO GOOD, IT'S BEEN SO LONG, LET'S PROMISE TO ALWAYS BE THERE FOR EACH OTHER, I'LL NEVER LEAVE IT THIS LONG EVER AGAIN'
Who: Bartender, local pub.
4. High five, side hug, pat on the back, muttering, 'Good to see you mate.'
Who: Close family members and extremely good friends you've only communicated with through the medium of eight day old TikTok memes sent over group Whatsapp, pixellated screens of grainy webcams, online scrabble, 40 minute free Zoom calls, baking photos, drunk 11:30pm FaceTime calls, fuzzy wifi, quizzes where round one is simply: "wine", and poker games for the last 6 months.
5. "There you are! Come here! Come on then! Come on! Hello! Hello! Oh, look at you. Look at your lovely face. What a lovely face. So soft. Oh come here, you. Yes, oh, lovely! Aren't you lovely. Come on then. Get onto my lap. Ohhh, big hug. There we go. Big hug. Do you want to come home with me? Do you? Do you? Of course you do. Come on then."
Who: Dogs.
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